What Happened to my Middle-schooler??!?

Take a deep breath…He’s completely normal. You might say, “but he’s smoking pot”…normal. You might say, “but she is cutting.” Again…normal. “But she has never been like this.” -Normal. “But, but, but…” The point? This is not to minimize the seriousness of dangerous adolescent behavior, but to acknowledge what most of us who have been adolescents at one time all know—it is a volatile time of unpredictability for the child and the parents. Adolescence is unpredictable. What is predictable is that lives change during adolescence and they change drastically sometimes. A reality of adolescence is that when adults fight it, it serves as a powder keg rather than a buffer to that change. In my observation of thousands of adolescents and researching how to influence them for good, I have found that fighting adolescence may stave off some of the challenges, but behaviors often resurface with even more devastating effects in late high school or college.

So how does a parent roll with the punches of adolescence? Let’s touch on just a few successful strategies:

1.       Remember what adolescence was like. Now if you were the perfect child, or your parents toed a tight line, this may be difficult. But ask yourself honestly, was that perfection real? And did your parents’ strict approach lead to your flourishing or an internal rebellion? Empathy from adults has been shown to have a significant effect on adolescents’ positive response to those adults. There is a big difference between saying, “Well, when I was your age…” and, “Oh man, I remember when I went through this.” The first is to be read in a condemning tone, the latter in a compassionate one. Compassion can be expressed with authority while not sounding authoritarian.

2.       Embrace humor. Victor Borge said, “Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.” There are different types of humor. The humor of choice for many adolescents is sarcasm. Warning!!! Don’t fight sarcasm with sarcasm. In supervising hundreds of middle school teachers, I have found that those who are masters of sarcasm are able to shut down the foolishness of their students, but at a cost. They win the skirmish but lose the battle for those students’ souls. The reason is that teens are also very sensitive about criticism and, though they favor sarcasm it is a form of cynicism about adult life. When we laugh at our situation in a genuine way, we invite our children into this messy life in which resilience is necessary. Humor is resilience in the face of a broken world. Your humor at your own foibles will convey acceptance and understanding of those your child faces.

3.       Read and discuss. This is a drum I have beaten for years. Don’t read just anything. Read the good books in which the heroes are broken and struggle from within as well as against injustice. Classics are not considered classics only because they are old. They are classics because they capture something about humanity that others often lack. Read these books aloud and stop once in a while to discuss, not lecture. Follow the examples of great coaches like John Wooden. Keep insights short and crisp. If you are like me, fluency in reading aloud is a struggle—that’s what Audible is for. Snuggle up with book in hand and Liam Neeson reading through Alexa.

Looking for someone to come alongside you in these challenging years? BurstTutors Academic Coaches work with both students and parents to inspire everyone to flourish in school and beyond.